Transcendental family
Family is a reality that transcends the here and now, and marriage is only abstract in law books. To survive, each must be allowed accommodation:
A family extends through space and time. This seemingly innocuous observation was indelibly etched in my mind this weekend as three generations of our extroverted brood gathered together to celebrate life and render thanks for our many blessings.
Often throughout those two days, I found myself taken aback by brief, eye-blink glimpses of children and grandchildren, of nephews and grand nephews -- that flashed me back to earlier times with our familial forebears.
Now at home and alone with my thoughts, I hearken back to my old-fashioned family that persisted and celebrated together. Celebrated, mind you, not just by an immediate family, but together as a congregation of aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, grandparents, and compati, amici, e cari vicini (those held dear).
To our shame as a culture, we have allowed the destruction of family. And although now just another victim of a progressive, murderous assault on traditions and traditional values, my old-fashioned family -- if for just this brief moment -- transcended the years and settled in with us as comforting as an old pair of slippers.
Family is not reducible
As I inhaled and savored the unhinged sanity of laughter, argument, tomfoolery, teasing, and bedlam, I was also unnerved, not unpleasantly, by specters from my past.
That devilish, sidelong look from grandson Kane; surely that was a young B2 just before he played a prank on sister Donna. Then a pointed stare and the moment was gone.
Daughter Sara with her Sally Ann visage, hands prayerfully clasped at her stomach, speaking slowly and shoulders set in that certain way; My wife, her mother, for just an instant here with us today.
Gregarious, good-natured son Phil, unknowingly entertaining me with wisps of father and grandfather imitations before slipping back into the now. Oh, how he would have thrived in my/his old-fashioned family!
Daughter Terra, slamming me back to a spacious stone house with white wooden trim and dark green shutters. For an instant she is Aunt Marian, the fairest of Raphael and Viola's twelve children and my father's favorite sister.
Then in another instant she is alternately sister Donna or niece Lisa -- separated from us by 900 miles and yet here as well, if just for the moment. There is no limit on family extension except that which is self-imposed.
Brian and Glen, nephews by marriage but sons in all but name, each bearing a likeness to their mother Rose; And each glimpsed vision out of the corner of my eye dares me to call them Marty after their father.
And of course birthday girl and beautiful daughter-in-law Maggie and grandsons Cody and Andres; Jackie, Harvey, and son Joe; and two young tadpoles whose names I will forever confuse thanks to their talkative daddy. All part of the homogenous present and future, all now sharing in a collective past.
Family is cultural power
One of my favorite essayists, David Warren, eloquently described what I experienced thusly:
It is from raw and prolonged experience that one learns what family means, and through it of the awesome power of love, reaching beyond the grave. But these are things that can never be communicated to outsiders. Each family is its own country, with its own culture, its own language, its own mythology, its own universe.
Indeed. But what of the family foundation? What of the man and the woman?
Love is not reducible to simply one or a few things; Love is not merely sexual compatibility, common interests, or some arcane formula. It begins spontaneously, somewhere, anywhere -- as it did for Sally and me -- then spreads into everything.
Or it does not.
Much like a living thing, love has its own power and is self-sustaining -- to a point. Because like any living thing, it also requires nurturing. It can be taken for granted, but not for long. It is durable, but love will not long endure unless its mystery is appreciated. It is the reverence a man and woman experience for each other.
From whence family power arises
I have perceived so many failed marriages, including my own, and only now sense the simple truth of it, the grail; A traditional family begins, flourishes, sustains, or fades based upon the degree of shared reverence between the mother and father. So simple, no?
The romance may wane yet a marriage will continue to strengthen so long as mutual reverence survives. Without mutually inherent trust and above all honesty, the family is ripe for disintegration.
And children learn from their elders.
Married folk must be able to look each other in the eye and not flinch. They must abide the minor faults found in all sentient humans, yet that always seem more pronounced in the mate. They cannot afford to talk by or down to each other. They cannot put anything permanently ahead of their marriage, neither careers nor personal ambitions.
There must be laughter in a marriage to offset the times of tears, as well as a routine of sanity amidst the turmoil of today's society. A fulfilling marriage will never have room for or survive hedonism or narcissistic personal goals. But perhaps most important of all, there must be occasions for simple affection.
And what, you may ask, does this have to do with generational family bonding? Nothing. And everything.
Because if just one of us, Sal or B2, were just a little bit smarter, a little bit wiser, blessed with a little bit more maturity in our younger days, one of us would have gladly carried the other until he or she caught up. And this essay would be far different than the one you are reading.
Hype and Chains Celebrate family in any way, every day.