BFH, hacksaw, and duct tape versus the shower
Because we're Upstaters, my friend and adopted brother Randy and I have built, rebuilt, repaired, or attempted to repair and/or destroy just about anything you could ever possibly imagine. It is a way of life. It is what we do.
We've lost copious amounts of skin, blood, and pride fixing, cobbling, or jury-rigging cars, boats, motorcycles, trucks, tractors, 
loaders, davits, docks, sea walls, barns, cottages, pumps, welders, motors of every conceivable type, plumbing, framing, masonry, wiring, roofing, etc., etc. Yup, everything from a '59 Johnson outboard to a Lotus Europa.
And for those of you in Okeechobee County, here's a translation: Upstater -- Someone who never throws anything away, never buys new, and always attempts to fix the unfixable to the point of bodily harm.
Now any Upstater worth his/her cow flop will tell you that his/her primary weapons of choice for any "projeckin" begins with The Big Three: a BFH (Big Fracking Hammer), a hacksaw, and duct tape. All other tools and supplies are considered ancillary equipment and are used only as a last resort, because Upstaters can fix most anything with The Big Three.
It's a sickness
Now mind you, this penchant to save a buck is neither a virtue nor conscious choice; It is an ingrained, genetically-induced malady with which all rural Upstaters are afflicted. It seems we are programmed from birth to always have ongoing projects, regardless of the time of year, weather,
health, or planetary affairs.
Often, minus a stray body part or random chunk of flesh, we are successful with a project; we save a few dollars, the thing we attempt to fix actually works, and the world as we know it is immersed in good juju.
But occasionally we find that we've spent more time and money, incurred more aggravation and angst, and collected more abrasions and contusions than it would have cost us to have someone who actually knew what the heck they were doing fix whatever we were fixing in the first place.
Enter B2's two shower valves.
Showers from hell
Thanksgiving week, Randy returned to Florida from the friendly, frigid confines of the Finger Lakes and dropped by to share the holiday
with B2 and some of our close friends.
It is at this point where I made my mistake -- on Wednesday before the holiday I casually mentioned to Randy that both 40-year-old shower valves were leaking and sticking due to my atrocious well water and that I would have to get after them soon.
Randy's eyes glazed over, his upper lip started to twitch, and spittle formed at the corner of his mouth. You could tell that he was as happy as the proverbial clam at the prospect of this unforeseen gift horse. "Hey, let's fix the shower valves right now!" Randy bubbled, pawing the ground like a frolicking foal on a frosty morning. "This can only end badly." I whined, head scrunched into my shoulders awaiting the first blow to fall.
If something can go wrong ...
And so it began. Now I'm certain that many of you out there are familiar with the water mixing cartridges found in shower valves -- you know, little brass cylindrical thingies laden with o-rings and chock full of 
strategically-placed orifices, micro screens, and other mysterious protuberances.
Randy, with gleeful exuberance, trumpeted: "Okay B2, all we have to do is shut off the water, remove the valve escutcheon plates and retaining clips, and the cartridges should fall right out!" He enthusiastically added, "We'll just get a couple of new o-rings, clean up the cartridges, and we'll be good to go!" B2, with visions of past projects in mind, whimpered: "This WILL end badly."
Now normally, a cartridge will slide out of the valve body without too much difficulty. Normally, you then make your repairs. Normally, you then re-insert the cartridge, reset the retaining clip, replace the plate and handle, and you're golden.
Normally.
Although it is still too painful to write about particulars, we were finally able to shower once again -- on Friday -- and use the toilets, do laundry, and just celebrate, each in our own special way, the simple miracle that is indoor plumbing and running water.
No, we did not save time or money. Yes, we had to buy two brand, spanking new shower valve cartridges. No, we did not get to employ The Big Three.
But we probably should have ... and did you know that absolutely no store is open on Thanksgiving Day?