Road rant -- Is it just me?
Now that the Snowflakes (winter residents, for those of you in Okeechobee County) have returned and the predictable horde of holiday shopping Huns is systematically ransacking Little Martin, our already overtaxed thoroughfares have become a collective showcase for stupid people.
In a popular and affluent tourism-retirement-second residence area such as Little Martin, drivers from all over the United States and around the world compete to see which region's driving habits are the absolute worst and whose denizens are at the top of the bad-driving batting order.
Mind you, I do not claim to be a perfect driver, nor do I deserve angelic exemption from occasional criticism. But I'm close, damned close. Compared to the mindless gunners I experienced yesterday, I am to driving what Mother Teresa was to charitable living.
Therefore, and with the authority vested in me by me, I have compiled some helpful rules for all you hairball Dukes of Hazzard-wannabes out there (you know who you are):
- Tailgating will not get you to your destination any sooner. People will just slow down because you make them nervous, or to annoy you. You will be a crash statistic. SCORE: 10 Stupid Points.
- Turn signals exist for a reason. Use them. Use them when you approach a vehicle at an intersection waiting for you to pass by before pulling out, only to see you make a turn into their road. Use them when you are about to block traffic as you turn left at a light. Turning your blinker on after you've already committed a gross act of stupidity is too late. SCORE: 5 Stupid Points.
- After using your turn signal correctly, turn it off. SCORE: 50 Stupid Points plus 10 Bonus Stupid Points.
- Multiple-lane roads are not built for your personal sight-seeing pleasure or to practice the buddy system while driving. If you're going the same or slower speed as the drivers in the lane to your right, speed up or get in the right lane. SCORE: 10 Stupid Points.
- Roll down your window and throw your damned cell phone away. Pay attention to driving because now is not the time to test your nonexistent multi-tasking skills. If you insist on talking while operating a two-ton motor vehicle, go on a campus speaking tour or pull over. SCORE: 20 Stupid Points.
- If people are passing you in the slow lane, you are in the wrong lane (I know, similar to above but this pisses me off). SCORE: 10 Stupid Points.
- Inclement weather is not a free pass to drive stupidly. If you want to drive slower due to bad weather conditions, I commend you -- just don't do it in the passing lane. SCORE: 5 Stupid Points.
- On a highway, change over to the left lane to allow lane access for the poor bastards trying to merge into traffic from an entrance ramp. This is called road courtesy, you clueless twit. SCORE: 15 Stupid Points.
- Do not eat a five-course meal while driving. Do not style your hair, read a newspaper, watch a video, entertain children, lavish affection on your pet, or play air guitar while driving. Do the entire driving world a huge favor and kill yourself. SCORE: 25 Stupid Points.
- To the pixie-sized woman who tapped my rear bumper at a traffic stop because she couldn't see over the hood of her car: Buy pillows, sit on phone books, or tear up your license and use your car keys as a wind chime. SCORE: 5,000 Stupid Points.
- Driving slowly is not the same as driving safely. Driving 40 mph in a 60 mph zone guarantees that you will eventually cause a multiple-car crash or hurt someone. That someone could be me. Do the posted speed or use public transit. SCORE: 50 Stupid Points.
- Rubber-neckers should be imprisoned. People who do not maintain their speed and rubber-neck accidents, or slow down because a cop pulled over some poor schmuck are stupid. Move along, folks, nothing to see here. SCORE: 25 Stupid Points.
- If you're switching lanes, make sure it's safe, use a turn signal, do it quickly, and get it over with. Earth to hairball: It is not okay to straddle two lanes for half a mile. SCORE: 15 Stupid Points.
- Weaving in and out of traffic and daredevil, heart-stopping, road-wide lane changes will not prevent you from sitting with me at the next traffic signal. It will prevent you from enjoying long life. SCORE: 25 Stupid Points.
I'll stop now but there is no limit. If you kept score on your own driving habits as you read the rules and compiled more than 25 points...er...well...